Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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