we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
