i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
