College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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