Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
