your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
