if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
