You smell like a Billy Joel song
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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