So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
