She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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