There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
