im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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