you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
