whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
