some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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