WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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