Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
