i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
