No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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