There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
