If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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