My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
