i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
