That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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