so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
