Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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