So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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