I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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