so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
