You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
