Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
