i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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