Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
