it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
