Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
And then he peed in my hair
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