I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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