Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
