I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
