I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
