The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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