Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
