Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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