my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Too much gin, very little bucket
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
