just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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