Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You smell like stripper and shame
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
