glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
