could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
