You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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