If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
