i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
