i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
