On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
