I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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