Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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