i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
