if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
