there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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