I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
