He disabled his match.com account in front of me
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
