You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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